Overcoming Perfectionism: Helping Kids Thrive by Embracing Imperfection

If you’ve found yourself thinking, “My child is a perfectionist,” you’re not alone. Understanding the roots of perfectionism and how it differs from healthy striving can be the first step in helping your child find a path toward balance, resilience, and self-acceptance.

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The Perfection Trap: A Cultural Phenomenon

Perfectionism is the new black. It’s in. It’s hot. Everyone has it. 

And it’s not good.

But what is it?

Defining Perfectionism: Beyond Striving for Excellence

Perfection is not merely about striving for excellence. Perfectionism is the belief that we fall short in some way and that, by falling short, we are not enough.

The Perfection Paradox: Why Effort and Mistakes are Essential

Perfectionistic Strivings describe our best efforts as excellent. These strivings can be helpful to the extent that high expectations drive improved performance. But coupled with Perfectionistic Concerns, those strivings can become highly counter-productive. Concerns centre on the belief that self-worth is tied up in perfect performance, and since this is impossible to achieve, the perfectionist is perpetually unworthy.

The Perfection Paradox is that effort and mistakes are required for mastery (and something close to perfection), but any effort or mistake is an indication of failure. Thus, the perfectionist never makes effort (or mistakes) and so cannot actually obtain perfection.

Mastery vs. Perfection: Embracing Progress over Flawlessness

Mastery is built on the development of competence, with small steps of progress along the way. The perfectionist rarely accepts this, believing that performance must be complete and unblemished, or they are not enough. And in some cases, even unlovable.

The Different Faces of Perfectionism

There are three types of perfectionism:

Self-Oriented Perfectionism: When Personal Standards Become a Burden

A person holds themselves to the absolute highest-of-high standards. Anything less is an unacceptable failure and an indication that they are worthless.

Other-Oriented Perfectionism: High Expectations of Others

A person holds others to the absolute highest of high standards. Anything less is an unacceptable failure and an indication that those others are worthless.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: Feeling Judged by Society

A person believes that others hold them to the absolute highest of standards. 

These dimensions intertwine, reinforcing each other and shaping worldviews.

How Perfectionism Fuels Anxiety and Depression

Perfectionism is rare in early childhood but typically crystallises in adolescence. Genetic predispositions manifest in meticulousness or a strong need for order, but it’s during adolescence that these tendencies may evolve into defining aspects of one’s personality.

Perfectionism’s absence from formal mental health classifications belies its profound impact. It fuels a relentless cycle of seeking external validation, setting unattainable goals, encountering setbacks, and spiralling into anxiety and low self-esteem. Its implications extend beyond obsessive tendencies, permeating various mental health challenges.

The Rise of Socially Prescribed Perfectionism in Adolescents

Socially prescribed perfectionism is soaring – it’s an exponential curve, escalating by approximately 40 percent from its lowest points a couple of decades ago.

Understanding External Influences on Perfectionistic Beliefs

The rise in perfectionism is not an isolated issue. It intertwines with escalating rates of anxiety and depression, notably among teenagers. It’s a concerning correlation that warrants our attention.

Why?

We’re witnessing a complex convergence of factors—from economic shifts and increased competition for opportunities to the overwhelming influence of social media portraying an idealised version of life and rampant individualism and consumer culture that sit alongside “just-world” beliefs (a meritocracy) that argue that you get what you deserve in life.

Recognising Parental Influence Without Self-Blame

Parents who witness their children grappling with self-inflicted perfectionism should remember: this burden isn’t solely their doing. External influences shape a child’s beliefs and values. But it may be at least somewhat related to some things parents may be doing.

How Parents Can Help

If your child is a perfectionist, there are things you can do to reduce their perfectionistic tendencies.

Shift from Improvement Pressure to Unconditional Support

First, move away from constantly coaching kids to be better. However well-intentioned, being told to do better, “achieve your potential”, and increase your effort often doesn’t sound like it’s helpful. It sounds like the adult in your life doesn’t believe you’re enough. 

Balancing Expectations with Acceptance

Instead, balance your hopes and expectations with the assurance that you love your child. The three words that say this best are: No. Matter. What. 

Encourage a Need-Supportive Approach

Second, move from a judgment and expectation approach to a need-supportive approach. This looks like the following:

The two of you then develop workable solutions. (This can even be done with a 6-year-old if needed, but I prefer that we just let them play at this age. Start the process from about age 10.)

PARENT: What about y? You don’t really care so much, huh? Tell me more.

The two of you explore what’s going on and develop a solution which may look like one of the following…

1. We’re going to try really hard for a while and see if developing some competence around this makes you feel differently.
2. There are things that are worth working on. They’re the things we are passionate about. And there are things that we don’t have to be brilliant at. So long as you’re passing, that will be fine.
3. Whatever else you can come up with that is acceptable to you both. Perhaps some tutoring or coaching. Maybe an alternative subject or activity.

Give your kids permission to not have to be perfect at everything. (Or better yet, at anything.)

Teach the Downside of Perfectionism

Third, explicitly teach your child that perfectionism doesn’t necessarily correlate with high performance. In fact, it often leads to burnout and self-sabotage. Acknowledging and embracing imperfections, failures, and vulnerabilities is integral to the human experience.

Model Imperfection and Self-Acceptance

Fourth, model imperfection and acceptance in your own life. Talk about your mistakes, learnings, and progress. Let them see that striving for perfection is futile. Talk about doing things to a satisfactory standard and how it compares to a highly distinctive standard, and point out how neither of those are focused on perfection, but both are focused on competence.

Redefining Success: Competence over Perfection

The myth that relentless striving for flawlessness equals success needs debunking. 

And the false belief that a person becomes more worthy, more valued, or more loved because they have more or look better must be discarded.

Let go of perfection in your own standards – of beauty, of holidays, of home cleanliness, of your children – and they’ll be more likely to let go of it in themselves… and ironically, achieve greater things as a result.

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If your child is a perfectionist, encourage them to embrace their unique strengths, make mistakes, and enjoy the learning process. Empower them to let go of perfection and build resilience for a fulfilling, balanced life.