Parenting Teens When Life Sucks For Them
One of the hardest things about raising teens is that we know what the answers are. We know that if they just change their “stinking thinking”, find ways to “be grateful,” get outside and spend time in nature, move their bodies, and spend time with friends in real life rather than on a screen (and get enough sleep!) they’d probably be mostly fine.
But will the kids listen to us? No.
And when life sucks for them, it starts to suck for us. We get frustrated. Tensions flare. Relationships rupture.
In Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Draco Malfoy makes a statement that packs a punch:
People say parenting is the hardest job in the world. It’s not. Growing up is.
But parenting is still damn hard – especially with emotional, withdrawn teens. Add a diagnosis or neuro-divergence and it’s harder again.
So when life sucks, we have two jobs:
- Regulate ourselves
- Support our kids
Tips for Self-Regulation
- Get enough sleep.
- Remember your kids aren’t trying to ruin your life. (It just comes naturally!)
- Take three deep breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system.
- Identify your personal triggers and emotional responses to stress, and make a plan to stop being triggered. This is on you.
- Imagine you have an audience. You’ll regulate better and speak nicer
- Recognise it’s not about you. This is their thing. You don’t have to fix it. Just support.
- By focusing on your own emotional regulation, you pave the way for better interactions with your teenager.
Dr Jo Prendergast has written When Life Sucks. She describes some useful tips for supporting our teens, including the 3 Rs.
1. Regulate
Before you can effectively regulate your teenager’s emotions, it’s imperative to regulate your own. Much like soothing a crying baby, teenagers in distress often benefit from a calm and regulated presence. So, take the time to manage your own emotions before addressing your child’s concerns.
2. Relate
Our ability to relate to our teenagers is key. Empathy and understanding are essential when your teenager is experiencing big emotions or challenges. It’s crucial to create an environment where your child feels safe to express their feelings without judgment.
3. Reason
After you’ve regulated and related, the next step is reasoning. This is the stage where you can have meaningful conversations with your teenager about their experiences and help them make informed choices. Remember that reasoning is most effective when it comes after regulation and connection.
Want more?
The Happy Families Podcast
Episode #882 | Parenting Teens When Life Sucks for Them
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