Parenting Alone in a Marriage: How to Gently Reconnect and Rebuild

As an avid cyclist, I appreciate the lesser-known advantage of “drafting”. By riding behind another cyclist, I conserve a significant amount of energy – around 25-40%. The lead rider pushes through the air, creating a zone of reduced air pressure and turbulence behind them. Following riders encounter significantly less wind resistance, allowing them to maintain the same speed with much less effort.

When I was racing bikes, those of us riding at the front would disdainfully try to shake the riders behind us. We would complain about them being “passengers”. 

In parenting, it sometimes feels like you’re the one at the front doing all the work and your children’s other parent is a passenger parent.

In this article, I’ll unpack what passenger parenting is and how to balance the workload effectively in your home. It’s a common challenge. But while every situation is unique, there are gentle but powerful ways to invite a disengaged partner back into the parenting picture—without nagging, shaming, or turning into adversaries. We can make things better with connection rather than confrontation.

What is passenger parenting?

It’s a short way of saying that one parent – normally the dad – is along for the ride… but Mum has the wheel, steers the car, brakes, accelerates, and does the directional stuff.

Why does this happen?

Sometimes, one parent (often the mother) handles most of the parenting simply because it seems more efficient. Early on, especially with babies, the main caregiver might naturally take on most duties, perhaps due to breastfeeding or just feeling better at soothing and caring. This can set a pattern where one parent becomes the “pro” and the other, even if they want to help, steps back to avoid getting in the way or to keep routines smooth. Over time, this efficiency can lead to an uneven setup where one parent does everything – from bedtime to school runs and homework – while the other stays on the sidelines. It’s incredibly common for couples to fall into this pattern. Studies show that the transition to parenthood is one of the biggest challenges to a couple’s connection – and it often starts with one person naturally doing more in those early days.

Other times, a parent, usually the father, gets subtly or overtly pushed out. This can look like a well-meaning mother-in-law saying, “You can go now, we’ve got this,” making the father feel less important, or a primary parent giving subtle hints that their way is the only way. This “gatekeeping” of parenting might come from wanting control, believing their own methods are best, or even an unconscious fear of losing their central role. When a parent is constantly told or shown their help isn’t needed or isn’t good enough, they might eventually pull back, feeling like a “parenting outsider” in their own home.

In some cases, one parent seems a bit incompetent, often because they haven’t had much practice or don’t feel confident, and so they “coast” through parenting without much active involvement. This isn’t always a deliberate choice to avoid responsibility. It can be a result of that efficiency dynamic we talked about earlier, where the other parent steps in so quickly that the “less involved” parent doesn’t get a chance to learn by trying things out. Over time, this lack of practice can lead to real hesitation and feeling inadequate, making it easier for them to just let the more experienced parent take over. This can then become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where their lack of involvement confirms the idea that they aren’t as capable, further solidifying the imbalance in parenting responsibilities.

What impact can this have?

Many families deal with passenger parenting just fine… but for some it’s a real challenge to navigate the inequality in a relationship, regardless of what the initial drivers of it were. 

Data shows that when couples feel their relationships are unequal, there can be

• Declines in marital/relationship satisfaction, 
• Declines in sexual satisfaction, and 
• Declines in life satisfaction. 

Conflict may also increase, with passenger parenting driving resentment, aggravation, frustration, or exacerbating weaponised/strategic incompetence.

4 Practical Ways to Reconnect and Rebuild

If we want to be on the same page, working towards the same goals, and lifting each other to make our families flourish, what options do we have?

1. Start with Appreciation, Not Accusation

When you feel like you’re carrying the parenting load alone, it’s easy to focus on everything your partner isn’t doing. But… truth bomb:

Where we look has a big impact on the results we get.

Here’s an experiment to illustrate. In my presentations, I often ask someone to balance a broomstick (no broom) on their fingertips while looking at their hand. Most people find it really tricky. I invite them to try again, but this time, they look at the top of the stick. The result? Stability. The difference? Focus.

When we focus on what’s wrong, the relationship feels wobbly. But when we notice what’s right—no matter how small—it becomes more stable.

Try this for a week:

• Notice what your partner is doing.
• Name it. Appreciate it. Out loud.

For example:

• “I loved seeing you and the kids laughing at breakfast this morning.”
• “Thank you for reading that extra bedtime story.”

I call this intentional shift in focus an appreciation inventory. And it works because of something called the heliotropic effect: people are drawn to positive energy and wither under criticism.

2. Ease off the accelerator

If you’re in the driver’s seat, you’ll find that the passenger might be willing to drive if you just slow things down. Teaching someone to drive means that we don’t accuse them of being a bad driver. We go slow and teach them the basics – or even let them try things for themselves. No one likes being told what to do—especially by the person who’s supposed to be their teammate. The fastest way to fuel defensiveness is to hand over a to-do list with, “You’re not pulling your weight.”

Instead, invite collaboration. Open the door to problem-solving together:

• “How are you feeling about evenings at the moment?”
• “What’s bedtime like for you right now?”
• “I’ve noticed it feels pretty stressful—what could we do to make it better together?”

When both partners feel heard and respected, solutions become shared. It stops being your problem or my problem and becomes our problem—something you’re tackling side by side.

3. Build Success Slowly

If your partner has been disengaged for a while, asking for full co-parenting overnight is like asking someone who doesn’t run around the block to run a marathon next week. It’s too big. It’s overwhelming. It backfires.

Instead, start small. Look for an area where they already show interest or strength. Maybe it’s Saturday morning sport. Maybe it’s Sunday pancakes.

Once you’ve identified that spark, nurture it:

• “You’re amazing at doing pancakes with the kids on Sundays. What else could Sundays look like for us?”
• “I love how you handle sport mornings. Is there anything else about parenting that lights you up?”

Small wins build big confidence. Confidence leads to greater engagement. Slowly but surely, they begin to step in more consistently—and it feels natural rather than forced.

4. Surround Yourselves with Great Role Models

This one’s subtle—but powerful.

It’s often said that we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. If your partner’s circle normalises disengaged parenting – if the jokes are about dodging bedtime or sitting on the couch gaming while someone else does the work – nothing will shift.

But when your partner spends time with others who are hands-on, loving, and involved with their kids… something changes.

Sometimes, seeing another parent fully engaged with their kids flicks a switch. It makes it real. It makes it possible.

My friend, Chris, runs a multimillion-dollar business. He’s flat out with work all day every day. But when I catch up with him, it’s all stories of camping trips, go-kart races, and weekends spent elbow-deep in grease teaching his kids how to fix engines.

Every conversation with him inspires me to show up better for my own kids. It reminds me that despite the busyness, it’s always worth it to make space for what matters most.

Who is your partner spending time with and what is their attitude towards being a partner and parent? It rubs off. Be intentional about building relationships with people who have values aligned with the best interests of your family.

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If you’re parenting alone in your marriage, it hurts. It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. And no—this isn’t all on you to fix.

But here’s what I believe after years of research, coaching, and experience:

Most parents do want to be good parents. They just need the invitation. The appreciation. The gentle pathway back to connection that doesn’t feel like criticism or overwhelm. Fewer critics and judges. More models and opportunities.

Start with noticing what’s going right. Invite collaboration. Build success slowly. Surround your family with people whose values align with the kind of family you want to be.

And remember—you’re not alone in this.

If this resonated, we’ve got more resources to support you at happyfamilies.com.au.