One Video Destroyed My Surfing Ego (And Changed My Parenting)

I’ve been a surfer for nearly 40 years (which makes me sound much older than I am). It’s been a source of joy and identity throughout my life. I’ve always considered myself pretty decent—certainly above average. Big waves? Love them. Winter surfing? Bring it on. ‘Surfer’ isn’t just what I do; it’s who I am.

Despite all those years catching waves, I’d never had the resources or time to go on a proper ‘surf trip’. More significantly, I’d never seen photos or video of myself surfing. That changed in late 2024 when, after years of waiting, saving, and planning, I finally made it to a tropical paradise with perfect waves and empty lineups.

At the end of my first day, I sat down to review some photos and video of my waves. My exhilaration quickly turned to despair.

“I’m a gumby,” was all I could mutter. What had felt like huge turns and carves with water spraying everywhere were, in reality, somewhat less dramatic—and notably uncoordinated.

I briefly contemplated a midnight flight home and a new hobby (lawn bowls, perhaps?). But something shifted overnight. The next morning, I headed straight to the surfer’s hut where our local professional guide waited with his usual smile. Before he could speak, I jumped in.

“I watched some video of my surfing yesterday. I thought I was better.”

His kindness showed as he assured me I was “better than average.” I countered with brutal honesty: “I’m not as good as I thought I was.” Then I asked what would become a transformative question:

“If there was just one thing I could do today to improve, what would you suggest?”

Our daily conversations continued, and by week’s end, my surfing had improved so dramatically that other guests were asking if I had a twin brother who was significantly more talented.

The secret? Self-awareness.

The Self-Awareness Gap

Seeing ourselves as we really are can be uncomfortable, but it’s essential for growth. Just as my surfing reality check led to rapid improvement, parents who develop self-awareness often see dramatic positive changes in their family relationships.

Research from Tasha Eurich shows that while 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only about 10-15% actually are. This “self-awareness gap” affects our parenting more than we might realise.

Other studies demonstrate that parents with greater self-awareness show improved emotional awareness of both themselves and their children, better self-regulation, and more consistent parenting behaviours. 

When we see ourselves clearly, we parent more effectively.

The Power of Seeing Ourselves Clearly

Think about it: How many times have we insisted, “I never yell,” only to have our partner gently point out three instances from the past week? Or declared, “I always listen to my kids” while scrolling through our phones during their stories about school?

Like my surfing experience, the gap between our perceived and actual parenting skills often only becomes visible when we see ourselves through an objective lens. Sometimes this comes through video (many parents are shocked when they see recordings of their interactions with their children), feedback from others, or simply taking time to reflect honestly on our behaviours.

The good news? Just as my surfing improved dramatically once I acknowledged my limitations and sought specific feedback, our parenting can transform when we embrace self-awareness. Research indicates that parents who received video feedback training showed significant improvements in their parenting behaviours and interactions with their child, particularly in their ability to respond sensitively to their children’s needs.

But here’s what’s fascinating: the improvement wasn’t just about correcting mistakes. Just as I learned to focus on one specific aspect of my surfing each day, parents who focused on incremental improvements—rather than trying to fix everything at once—saw the most sustainable changes in their parenting behaviour.

Three Steps to Better Parenting Through Self-Awareness

So how can we develop this crucial self-awareness in our parenting journey? Here are three actionable steps:

1. Create Your Own “Surf Video” Moment: Set up regular opportunities for feedback. This might mean recording occasional family dinner conversations, asking your partner for specific observations, or even inviting your children to share their perspectives in a safe, non-defensive space. Like my initial shock at seeing my surfing style, the feedback might sting—but it’s the foundation for improvement.
   
2. Ask the “One Thing” Question: Just as I asked my surf instructor for one specific focus area each day, regularly ask yourself, your partner, or even your children, “What’s one thing I could do better today as a parent?” This makes improvement manageable and prevents overwhelm. Remember, small, consistent changes lead to significant transformations.
   
3. Practice Daily Reflection: Spend five minutes each evening writing down one parenting interaction that went well and one that could have gone better. Research shows that this simple practice increases self-awareness and improves future behaviours. Think of it as your post-surf analysis.

And just as I discovered in that tropical paradise, sometimes our most uncomfortable moments of self-awareness become our greatest opportunities for transformation. Though I must admit, I’m still working on convincing my teenagers to give me daily feedback on my parenting. So far, their most consistent suggestion is, “Dad, stop trying to use our slang.” Fair enough, that’s probably pretty valid… no cap, as they say. (They’ve just informed me that “no cap” is also now embarrassingly outdated… working on it!)