Understanding Fairness in Children: A Guide for Parents

“It’s Not Fair!”

Navigating the complexities of fairness can be a challenging aspect of parenting, especially when children develop a strong sense of what is fair or unfair. In this article, we will explore effective strategies to help your child understand and cope with feelings of unfairness. By engaging in meaningful conversations and nurturing their moral development, you can empower them to navigate these feelings with empathy and resilience.

Hi Dr. Justin,

I have just come across your fabulous podcast and love listening. My eldest is 8, and she is always monitoring if everything is fair, from food to how much we play to choosing a game or TV show to watch. We have tried to explain that sometimes things are not fair, and that’s ok, but she has a very strong sense that things are unfair for her. I was wondering if there is a better approach than what I am doing, which is to explain that not everything is fair and often I have to do things like clean up or do things that don’t feel fair.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Lauren

Diving Into Developmental Concepts

We’re diving into the developmental playbook for two key ideas on this question. Let’s start by getting into the nitty-gritty of moral and cognitive development.

Moral and Cognitive Development

Picture your daughter’s brain as a construction site right now. We’ve got a solid foundation to build on, and we’re now laying the foundation for more complex thinking skills that will land in a few years’ time. 

Right now, your daughter’s in concrete operational thinking mode. This is like the cornerstone of this mental edifice. She’s at the stage where most things are still black-and-white, but she’s trying to move to more advanced reasoning. She’s great with rules. She likes what’s tangible and can be directly observed. Logic rules.

This makes the concept of fairness fuzzy. When everything is black and white, the world makes sense. But fairness is tricky. As adults, we see all of the other abstractions. We see a broader context. We have a moral compass that goes deeper than the surface-level right/wrong, good/bad, fair/unfair perception she has.

So, when she’s grappling with fairness, she’s just seeing things in simple terms of “fair” or “unfair.” She’s missing all of the different factors and consequences we’re considering. 

Exploring Moral Development through Fairness

Here’s how you know she’s not at formal operational thinking just yet. Moral dilemmas aren’t all that tricky for her. She’ll hear the story, and rather than grappling with complexity, some fundamental ideas will drive her decision. Here’s a classic from Kohlberg, known as the Heinz dilemma:

A woman was on her deathbed. There was one drug that the doctors said would save her. It was a form of radium that a druggist in the same town had recently discovered. The drug was expensive to make, but the druggist was charging ten times what the drug cost him to produce. He paid $200 for the radium and charged $2,000 for a small dose of the drug. The sick woman’s husband, Heinz, went to everyone he knew to borrow the money, but he could only get together about $1,000, which is half of what it cost. He told the druggist that his wife was dying and asked him to sell it cheaper or let him pay later. But the druggist said, “No, I discovered the drug, and I’m going to make money from it.” So Heinz got desperate and broke into the man’s laboratory to steal the drug for his wife. Should Heinz have broken into the laboratory to steal the drug for his wife? Why or why not?

Forming a Moral Compass

Your daughter’s starting to form her own moral compass, influenced by the values and principles she’s exposed to at home, school, and in the media. This obsession with fairness? It’s her way of testing out her moral muscles and figuring out what’s right and wrong in her eyes. So, when she blows up about fairness, engage her in discussions about fairness, justice, and empathy. Maybe not on the spot; high emotions = low intelligence. But out of the moment, challenge her to think critically and consider different perspectives. The development of moral reasoning is a marathon. Start taking steps now.

Ok, second developmental reality:

Theory of Mind

The mental gymnastics required to understand that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives separate from hers is the equivalent of the Yurchenko double pike. Simone Biles is the only female gymnast to ever pull it off. And the reality is that there aren’t many 8-year-old kids on the planet who can really get their heads around this complicated psychological reality.

So, when she’s obsessing over fairness, it’s not just about her being self-centered; it’s a crucial step in her cognitive development. Recognising that everyone has their own sense of fairness takes time, patience, and a lot of trial and error. Again, cut her some slack and use these moments to nurture her burgeoning Theory of Mind.

Practical Approaches to Foster Understanding

Ok… three more practical ideas:

Embrace the Learning Opportunity 

Fundamentally, fairness is a foundational concept that kids start grappling with early on. It’s critical to recognise that your daughter’s fixation on fairness isn’t just about getting her way; it’s about understanding her place in the world. So, instead of telling her that you have to do things that aren’t fair because that’s life, use these moments as teaching opportunities to help her develop empathy, resilience, and a nuanced understanding of fairness. Engage her in conversations about why certain situations might feel unfair and explore different perspectives together.

Set Clear Expectations

You neither can nor should bend over backward to make everything seem fair in her eyes. That’s just not realistic. Instead, make it clear that, while fairness is important, life isn’t always going to be perfectly equitable. Encourage her to voice her concerns respectfully, but also gently remind her that sometimes decisions need to be made in the best interest of the family as a whole. It’s about finding that delicate balance between honoring her feelings and preparing her for the realities of life. Do it with a truckload of empathy and recognise that sometimes kids simply won’t be happy. And use words like “Don’t you just wish…” and “Wouldn’t it be great if…”. Giving them in fantasy what they can’t have in reality works.

Lead by Example

Lastly, remember that kids are like sponges; they absorb everything, especially from their parents. Your actions speak volumes, so be mindful of the messages you’re sending. Show her that while fairness is important, so is grace, compromise, and sometimes just rolling with the punches. Sometimes we all just have to grieve what we can’t have and then move on.

Explore her world and perspective. Explain yours. Empower her to solve the problem appropriately and with your guidance. Do it when you’re out of the moment and things are calm. Tackling the fairness obsession isn’t about dismissing your daughter’s concerns or trying to make everything seem fair and square. It’s about embracing these teachable moments, setting clear expectations, and leading by example. 

PS: I shared this response with Kylie (aka Mrs. Happy Families), and she added something important. Help your daughter know that there is always enough. Abundance is everywhere. There is enough food, enough toys, enough money, enough time, enough love. This message matters for helping kids worry less about what’s fair.