Understanding Children’s Perceptions of Fairness
“It’s not fair!”
Navigating a child’s sense of fairness can be a challenging aspect of parenting. Children have a keen awareness of what their peers are allowed to do, and when they feel left out, they often express frustration with the notion of unfairness. This article explores practical strategies for parents to address their children’s requests while maintaining firm boundaries and fostering understanding.
Everyone Else Can Do It! Why Can’t I?
Children have a highly attuned “fairness” antenna. They keep track. They know the score. And when it comes to privileges that others have but they don’t, they have one word to describe it:
Unfair.
I asked our Facebook followers what their kids can’t do but everyone else can. Michelle said the conversation was about “Sleepovers. TikTok. Snapchat. Curfew.” Sumita had an even longer list of “it’s not fair… everyone else gets to do it” from her 10-year-old:
- Why can’t I have a sleepover?
- Why can’t I have Roblox?
- Why can’t I stay up past 10p.m.?
- Why can’t I have school lunch orders every day (because I already spend over $500 on groceries)?
- Why can’t I ride my bike after 7p.m.?
- Why can’t I have any coke/soft drink?
Julie from North Queensland said “no screens in rooms” for her teens. (So unfair!) Abbie in Northern Ireland identified social media for her under-13 daughter as a problem. And an anonymous parent shared that her 8-year-old son wanted to be allowed to swear like his friends!
When Your Child Says “It’s Not Fair!”
Here’s how to respond:
1/ Agree with their desire.
Note: I didn’t say allow them to do what they want. Instead, you’re saying, “I get it.” This validates the vision. It helps them know you understand, at least in part, how they feel. (You might even tell them about how you struggled with these kinds of things when you were young too.)
How does this sound?
“Being allowed to ‘x‘ like everyone else would make you feel so much better about life, am I right?”
No agreement. Just recognition and validation.
2/ Offer up empathy.
Simple, caring statements help. It slows down the process and shows that you hear, see and value your child’s dream.
How does this sound?
“It can be really tough when you see others doing something and we’re saying no. I get that.”
3/ Get curious, not furious.
Explore by asking them to tell you all about what they want and why. Listen to understand rather than to reply. Sometimes they have excellent arguments!
4/ Explain your concerns.
A clear rationale for your requests is associated with better outcomes (after the occasional tantrum). If you have hesitations about them doing that thing, try something like this:
“Can I share what I’m worried about?” Always get their permission. You don’t need it, but when they say “yes”, it means you can talk, and they’ll actually listen.
“As your parent, my primary concern is to make sure you’re safe and making choices that are appropriate for your age and development. I want to be sure you have a positive and healthy experience.”
5/ Acknowledge differences.
Let your kids know that your idea of what’s age-appropriate is obviously different from other parents’ ideas. Highlight that your children are only thinking about the parents who go easier than you. There are plenty that go the other way, too!
6/ Point to progress.
Ask them if they’re allowed to do things now that they weren’t allowed to do previously. Reassure them that as they age, the reins will loosen, but there will always be kids who have more freedom (and those who have less).
7/ Seek solutions.
Empower your children to develop a way forward in collaboration with you. Perhaps they’ll develop a business case or a strategy to move them closer to their goal. Maybe they’ll present you with a solution you had not previously considered.
8/ Stand firm when you must.
Sometimes you will recognise that shifting position is helpful and healthy. Other times, there’s no way that change can occur. As the parent, you must be discerning and strong.
9/ Highlight trust and responsibility.
Reinforce the idea that, as they grow, there will be more opportunities for certain activities. You could say, “As you get older, there will be more chances to try new things. Right now, let’s focus on activities that align with your age and our family values.”
There’s a strong chance your child will resent you for having firm boundaries. But sometimes that’s what parenting requires of us. If we do it in an autonomy-supportive way, we’ll increase the chances that they’ll “get it”—even if it takes until they’re in their twenties!
Understanding and addressing your child’s feelings of “it’s not fair” is essential for healthy communication and emotional development. For more parenting tips and resources, subscribe to our newsletter today!
This article is absolutely fantastic, I just wanted to put that out there — I try to leave more good reviews than bad reviews, specifically because most people do the opposite. I truly appreciated every point that was made, and that’s saying a lot because I’m usually unhappy with the parenting advice I find online. Thank you for turning that around! Fairness/consistency is one of the 6 developmental childhood needs it’s just as important as attachment, safety, play/spontaneity, etc.. Here’s my recipe for narcissism: start with shame (either because the need for attachment or the need for autonomy are not met — or both), then add a lack of boundaries, and finally a distorted sense of fairness and limits (possibly because the parents were too involved, or because they were not involved enough), then put it all in the pressure-cooker of adolescence in the virtual space — a place where kids are ruled by likes/follows, and fully immersed in video games and pornography instead of unsupervised symbolic play and in-person relationships with tangible humans = after a few years you’’ll get an adult who feels intolerable shame (which they experience as worthlessness and inadequacy) and so they react by overcorrecting 100% in the opposite direction, convincing themselves they’re the MOST important person in the world, so their needs come before EVERYONE else’s.