Defusing Explosive Children

Kids Do Well If They Can

In 1998, Dr. Ross Greene introduced a groundbreaking approach to helping children navigate challenging situations in “The Explosive Child”. His philosophy is simple but transformative: “Kids do well if they can.” When children struggle, Greene attributes it to lagging skills in critical areas like flexibility, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and emotion regulation. By understanding and supporting these skills, parents can empower their children to handle life’s demands more confidently.

I interviewed Dr Ross Green on The Happy Families podcast, and our discussions became some of our most listened to conversations.

Understanding Lagging Skills vs. Competence

His philosophy: kids do well if they can.

In my words: competence.

A challenging situation presents itself. Capable kids navigate it – often with confidence. If they’re not quite there but believe they can do it, they’ll go for it. But if they’re incompetent, they pull back. Feeling incompetent can lead to withdrawal – or explosions. And they don’t do well… because they “can’t”.

Greene describes incompetence in a gentler way: lagging skills.

Lagging skills are the missing pieces in a child’s skill set, hindering their ability to meet the demands of the moment. These lagging skills are flexibility and adaptability, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and emotion regulation.

Core Skills Kids Need to Thrive

Let’s break them down:

Flexibility and Adaptability

A disrupted routine or inadequate time to prepare for a transition to a new activity (leaving the park, taking a bath, switching off a screen) requires this skill. So does a change in plans. But it’s a skill that takes time, practice, and support to develop. Its opposite: rigidity and tunnel vision.

Frustration Tolerance

When the bottom drops out, expectations are unmet, or delayed gratification are required, frustration tolerance is what stops an emotional outburst. It’s recognising things didn’t work out according to my agenda, and managing the frustration, expressing it appropriately, and thinking clearly.

High emotions = low intelligence. Frustration tolerance keeps emotions level and stable, and allows us (or our child) to sit in that emotion without acting rashly.

Problem Solving

Unpredictability, randomness, and volatility are inescapable realities of most of our lives. Being flexible and adaptable and having frustration tolerance keep emotions stable and facilitate creative, broad thinking so we (and our kids) can solve problems effectively.

A parent’s fundamental job, besides keeping their child safe, is to help them learn to solve problems. How do they resolve a problem with a sibling? How do they navigate a friendship challenge at school? What is the best way forward with an academic question?

Emotion Regulation

Frustration tolerance is a crucial component of a much larger challenge: emotion regulation, which means expressing and suppressing emotions appropriately.

Our words matter. They shape our perceptions and build the world we live in. Remember:

• Your child isn’t ‘naughty’. They have some lagging skills that we can develop.
• Your child isn’t trying to ruin your life. Kids do well if they can.
• Your child isn’t an idiot or a pain. Your child doesn’t have the competence to get it right… yet.

Even if they’ve done it right before, or they’re laughing about it and you sense they’re being malicious, if they’re being disrespectful, or insisting that they ‘can’t’.

Practical Strategies to Support Skill Development

When they’re stuck:

• Soften your eyes: Look on them with compassion and kindness. Remember that kids do well if they can, so if they can’t right now, there’s something going on. Hungry? Angry? Lonely/Disconnected? Tired? Stressed? Sick? Overstimulated?
• Say what you see: If you can name it you can tame it.
• Offer space or support: Ask if they want you with them or if they want space.
• Explore their challenges: As emotions subside, explore their world and their challenge. Explain what you are looking for.
• Empower with problem-solving: Support those skills of flexibility and adaptability, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and emotion regulation.
• Make a plan: Help them plan for a better response next time.

The Collaborative and Proactive Solutions Framework

Dr. Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) framework guides parents in building these skills with their children. You can explore his methods further in The Explosive Child or listen to The Happy Families Podcast Episode #721, where Dr. Greene shares practical insights on defusing explosive behaviours (see below).