Christmas Conundrums: Dodgy Gifts

I borrowed Mum’s bright yellow Casio sports watch with a lap-timer when I was about 14-years-old. I wore it for around 6 months. When Christmas came, I spent all of my savings on a new watch – for me. And I gave Mum’s watch back to her for Christmas.
In my teenage mind, I genuinely believed I was doing something nice by returning her watch. Mum didn’t feel as grateful as I thought she might be.
And… she didn’t react well. Emotions were expressed. Feelings were hurt. A painful lesson was taught.

Question: If I, as a child, had received a gift that I didn’t think was appropriate or thoughtful and I had responded like that, would it have been ok?
Answer: Probably not. There’s an etiquette to gift giving (which I failed at) and there’s also an etiquette to gift receiving (which mum failed at). It’s just that adults can get away with more than kids. Mum did. I didn’t.

Here’s the reality check though:
It’s a given: dodgy Christmas gifts are guaranteed. Most frequently, it will be our kids who are doing the pouting though.
How do we help them navigate their disappointment when a gift is less than what they’d hoped?

#1 Pre-arm your kids

As you prepare for gift-opening celebrations, remind your kids that while you hope they’re going to have all their wishes fulfilled, some gifts are not as exciting as others.

#2 Practice a script

Ask them what they might say if they receive something they’re not delighted about. Encourage gratitude, not necessarily for the gift, but for the love and effort of a thoughtful relative.

#3 Encourage perspective taking

Ask your kids how they’d feel if they gave a gift to someone and that person was ungrateful. What would they prefer to hear in response? Have them consider how they would feel if they received no gift at all. This can help them appreciate the effort others put into choosing a gift for them. (Note – this is not about making them feel guilty. It should be gentle and helpful.)

When it all hits the fan anyway…

Your child might still lose the plot over a gift, no matter how prepared and practised you are.

Walk a mile in their Christmas socks

It’s important not to immediately dismiss a lack of outward gratitude as ingratitude. Assess the situation from their perspective. Here’s a few triggers you might not have considered before:

• It could simply be that your child isn’t developmentally capable yet, or has not yet honed the skill of processing disappointment. (In which case—Great! Here’s an opportunity to begin practising that skill in a safe, loving environment.)
• It’s possible that the gift might have caused genuine feelings of hurt. As much as the right gift can help someone feel seen, heard and valued, the wrong gift can be enormously disconnecting.
• It’s Christmas morning! Emotions are all over the place. They’ve got high expectations. They’ve eaten a tonne of sugar for breakfast. Their brother might have just received the dream gift 60 seconds earlier. The situation is ripe for a meltdown!

Here’s an example of how you might handle one of these tricky situations:

Let’s say Grandma gives a dodgy gift and – despite all of your pre-arming – your child responds less than gratefully.

1. Gently and kindly remove your child from the situation so that they have some space to process their emotion.
2. Ask them about how they feel about what they received. (Give them permission to let it rip!)
3. Let them know that sometimes you’re not super thrilled with the gifts you receive either. Explain how uncomfortable it can be when you know you’re “supposed” to feel grateful, but you’re actually disappointed, and then you feel guilty for feeling disappointed which just makes it even worse! It’s a really tricky thing to experience.
4. Discuss how they responded in the moment, and how they feel about how they responded to their gift.
5. Work together to think about other ways they might have been able to respond better.
6. Talk about what might need to be done to repair the relationship.
7. Help your child action what they have decided upon.

If Grandma is still upset, talk with her about any valid reasons your child might have responded the way that they did (outside of the lousy gift-giving element). Gently remind her that trying to make your child feel guilty won’t enhance their gratitude. It’s important to communicate this respectfully and emphasise that your goal is to create a positive environment for the child. And tell Grandma that YOU are grateful that they’re thoughtful and generous enough to give gifts, even if your child isn’t quite there on the gratitude expressions just yet.

Want more?

The Happy Families Podcast

Episode #171 | Christmas Conundrums

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